[ANPPOM-Lista] I am giving up on my dream to become the Lady Gaga of sociology.

[Carlos Palombini]

 Giving Up On Academic Stardom
January 14, 2016 <http://sasconfidential.com/2016/01/14/academic-stardom/>
/ SAS Confidential <http://sasconfidential.com/author/sasconfidential/>

*Author: Eric Grollman <https://twitter.com/grollman>*
*Original: Conditionally Accepted
<http://conditionallyaccepted.com/2014/09/16/academic-stardom/>*
------------------------------

I have bought into the ego-driven status game in academia. Hard. I find
myself sometimes wondering more about opportunities to advance my
reputation, status, name, and scholarship than about creating new knowledge
and empowering disadvantaged communities. Decision-making in my research
often entails asking what will yield the most publications, in the highest
status journals with the quickest turnaround in peer-review. I often
compare my CV to others’, wondering how to achieve what they have that I
have not, and feeling smug about achieving things that haven’t. Rarely do I
ask how to become a *better *researcher, but often ask how to become a more
popular researcher.

I have drunk the Kool-Aid, and it is making me sick. Literally. The
obsession with becoming an academic rockstar fuels my anxiety. I fixate on
what is next, ignore the present, and do a horrible job of celebrating past
achievements and victories. I struggle to accept “acceptable.” I feel
compelled to exceed expectations; I take pride when I do. “Wow, only six
years in grad school?” “Two publications in your first year on the tenure
track?! *And*, you’re at a liberal arts college?”

When did I become this way? Sure, academia is not totally to blame. My
parents expected me to surpass them in education (they have master’s
degrees!). I also suffer, as many gay men do, with the desire to excel to
gain family approval
<http://conditionallyaccepted.com/2013/06/14/homophobia-overcompensation/>,
which is partially lost upon coming out. Excelling in college, rather than
becoming an HIV-positive drug addict
<http://conditionallyaccepted.com/2014/09/02/lgbtq-sociology/>, helped my
parents to accept my queer identity
<http://egrollman.com/2010/03/22/coming-out-2/>. In general, I compensate
professionally and socially for my publicly known sexual orientation. It is
hard to unlearn the fear one will not be loved or accepted, especially when
homophobes remind you that fear is a matter of survival
<http://egrollman.com/2014/07/14/fear-sexuality/>.

Oh, but academia. You turned this achievement-oriented boy into an anxious
wreck of a man. It is not simply a bonus to be an academic rockstar of
sorts. My job security actually depends on it. And, it was necessary to be
exceptional to even get this job
<http://conditionallyaccepted.com/2013/08/06/chose-slac/>. And, it matters
in other ways that indirectly affect my job security, and my status in
general. You can forget being elected into leadership positions in your
discipline if no one knows you. “Who?” eyes say as they read your name tag
at conferences before averting their gaze to avoid interacting. I have
learned from my critics that one must be an established scholar before you
can advocate for change in academia.
The Consequences Of Striving For Academic Stardom

I am giving up on my dream to become the Lady Gaga of sociology. I have to
do so for my health. I have to stop comparing myself to other scholars
because so many things vary, making it nearly impossible to find a truly
fair comparison. Of course, I will never become the publication powerhouse
of an Ivy League man professor whose wife is a homemaker. Even with that
example, I simply do not know enough about another person’s life, goals,
and values to make a comparison. I do not want others to compare themselves
to me because my level of productivity also entails Generalized Anxiety
Disorder. I am not a good model, either!

Dreams of academic stardom prevent me from appreciating my present
circumstances <http://conditionallyaccepted.com/2014/08/26/oneyearlater/>,
which were not handed to me. Sadly, voices, which sound awfully similar to
my dissertation committees’, have repeatedly asked, “are you *surrreeee *you
don’t want to be at an R1?” I have zero interest in leaving, and negative
interest (if that is possible) in enduring the job market again. But, I
fear that, as I was warned, I will become professionally irrelevant; and,
this has made it difficult to fully appreciate where I am. I have
acknowledged the reality that no place will be perfect for an outspoken
<http://conditionallyaccepted.com/2014/02/04/blogging-for-a-change/> gay
Black intellectual activist. But, I have found a great place that holds
promise for even better.

Beyond my health, the lure of academic stardom detracts from what is most
important to me: making a difference in the world. Impact factors, citation
rates, and the number of publications that I amass distract from impact in
the world and accessibility. It is incredibly selfish, or at least
self-serving, to focus more energy on advancing my own career rather than
advancing my own communities.

Obsession with academic rockstardom forced me to view colleagues in my
field as competition. My goal is to demonstrate what I do is *better *than
them in my research. In doing so, I fail to see how we can collaborate
directly on projects, or at least as a chorus of voices on a particular
social problem. Yet, in reality, no individual’s work can make a difference
alone. I also fail to appreciate the great things my colleagues accomplish
when I view it only through jealous eyes.

When I die, I do not want one of my regrets
<http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/03/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying_n_3640593.html>
to be that I worked too hard, or did not live authentically, or did not
prioritize my health and happiness as much as I did my job.  Ok, end of
rant.
-- 
carlos palombini, ph.d. (dunelm)
professor de musicologia ufmg
professor colaborador ppgm-unirio
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