[ANPPOM-Lista] I am giving up on my dream to become the Lady Gaga of sociology.

[Graziela Bortz]

Muito bom!

Graziela 


Date: Thu, 14 Jan 2016 17:58:20 -0200
From: cpalombini em gmail.com
To: anppom-l em iar.unicamp.br; etnomusicologiabr em yahoogrupos.com.br
Subject: [ANPPOM-Lista] I am giving up on my dream to become the Lady Gaga	of sociology.


					Giving Up On Academic Stardom				
			January 14, 2016 / SAS Confidential					
	

	
		Author: Eric Grollman

Original: Conditionally Accepted


I have bought into the ego-driven status game in academia. Hard. I 
find myself sometimes wondering more about opportunities to advance my 
reputation, status, name, and scholarship than about creating new 
knowledge and empowering disadvantaged communities. Decision-making in 
my research often entails asking what will yield the most publications, 
in the highest status journals with the quickest turnaround in 
peer-review. I often compare my CV to others’, wondering how to achieve 
what they have that I have not, and feeling smug about achieving things 
that haven’t. Rarely do I ask how to become a better researcher, but often ask how to become a more popular researcher.

I have drunk the Kool-Aid, and it is making me sick. Literally. The 
obsession with becoming an academic rockstar fuels my anxiety. I fixate 
on what is next, ignore the present, and do a horrible job of 
celebrating past achievements and victories. I struggle to accept 
“acceptable.” I feel compelled to exceed expectations; I take pride when
 I do. “Wow, only six years in grad school?” “Two publications in your 
first year on the tenure track?! And, you’re at a liberal arts college?”

When did I become this way? Sure, academia is not totally to blame. 
My parents expected me to surpass them in education (they have master’s 
degrees!). I also suffer, as many gay men do, with the desire to excel to gain family approval, which is partially lost upon coming out. Excelling in college, rather than becoming an HIV-positive drug addict, helped my parents to accept my queer identity.
 In general, I compensate professionally and socially for my publicly 
known sexual orientation. It is hard to unlearn the fear one will not be
 loved or accepted, especially when homophobes remind you that fear is a matter of survival.

Oh, but academia. You turned this achievement-oriented boy into an 
anxious wreck of a man. It is not simply a bonus to be an academic 
rockstar of sorts. My job security actually depends on it. And, it was 
necessary to be exceptional to even get this job.
 And, it matters in other ways that indirectly affect my job security, 
and my status in general. You can forget being elected into leadership 
positions in your discipline if no one knows you. “Who?” eyes say as 
they read your name tag at conferences before averting their gaze to 
avoid interacting. I have learned from my critics that one must be an 
established scholar before you can advocate for change in academia.

The Consequences Of Striving For Academic Stardom

I am giving up on my dream to become the Lady Gaga of sociology. I 
have to do so for my health. I have to stop comparing myself to other 
scholars because so many things vary, making it nearly impossible to 
find a truly fair comparison. Of course, I will never become the 
publication powerhouse of an Ivy League man professor whose wife is a 
homemaker. Even with that example, I simply do not know enough about 
another person’s life, goals, and values to make a comparison. I do not 
want others to compare themselves to me because my level of productivity
 also entails Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I am not a good model, 
either!

Dreams of academic stardom prevent me from appreciating my present circumstances,
 which were not handed to me. Sadly, voices, which sound awfully similar
 to my dissertation committees’, have repeatedly asked, “are you surrreeee you
 don’t want to be at an R1?” I have zero interest in leaving, and 
negative interest (if that is possible) in enduring the job market 
again. But, I fear that, as I was warned, I will become professionally 
irrelevant; and, this has made it difficult to fully appreciate where I 
am. I have acknowledged the reality that no place will be perfect for an
 outspoken gay Black intellectual activist. But, I have found a great place that holds promise for even better.

Beyond my health, the lure of academic stardom detracts from what is 
most important to me: making a difference in the world. Impact factors, 
citation rates, and the number of publications that I amass distract 
from impact in the world and accessibility. It is incredibly selfish, or
 at least self-serving, to focus more energy on advancing my own career 
rather than advancing my own communities.

Obsession with academic rockstardom forced me to view colleagues in 
my field as competition. My goal is to demonstrate what I do is better than
 them in my research. In doing so, I fail to see how we can collaborate 
directly on projects, or at least as a chorus of voices on a particular 
social problem. Yet, in reality, no individual’s work can make a 
difference alone. I also fail to appreciate the great things my 
colleagues accomplish when I view it only through jealous eyes.

When I die, I do not want one of my regrets
 to be that I worked too hard, or did not live authentically, or did not
 prioritize my health and happiness as much as I did my job.  Ok, end of
 rant.
-- 
carlos palombini, ph.d. (dunelm)
professor de musicologia ufmg
professor colaborador ppgm-unirio


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